Kundalini struggles and shifts

I feel so fresh and my mind is so clear.

I feel incredibly clean, vibrant and calm.

I would have never thought I’d feel this way today because I started the previous week feeling very different. I felt impatient, unfulfilled and heavy.

Let me share what shifted. It’s all about that Kundalini yoga.

If you’re following me on Facebook or Instagram you might know I currently doing a Kundalini yoga teacher training. Even though I’ve practiced several forms of yoga since I was 8, I’m probably the least physically flexible person I know. I’m half way through the training and last week was a full week immersion. Living the yogic lifestyle. Ashram style.

I can tell you, this week was nothing like a relaxing yoga vacation. Not even close.

We got up at 4am to take a cold shower (called ishnaan). Some days even at 3am so some of the group could take a 15 minute cold shower and the rest of us would chant and beat the drum to help the brave ones get through it. Then saddhana: 2 and a half hours of reciting a poem of devotion in Gurmukhi (the language used in Kundalini), yoga and chanting. We ate a cleansing diet of spicy soup for breakfast, oranges and bananas as snacks and in the afternoon we got a plate of mixed rice and mung beans with spices, beets, carrots and piece of lettuce. Same thing every day. During the day more yoga, classes about poses, energetic flow, food, yogic background, how to teach and such. The day ended around 9 or 10 at night. Just to get up a few hours later again.

So WHY do this? You might ask.

I asked myself the same question. A LOT.

To be honest, I seriously thought about leaving. Not so much because it was tough, but because I wasn’t enjoying it and I missed depth in the teachings.

The first few days felt like I was made a promise that wasn’t kept. ‘If you do this, you’ll feel great, be successful, be happy, strengthen your energy, heal your organs, clean out your subconscious mind.’ I just got a headache, was tired, felt pain in my body ( just try sat kriya for a few minutes and then imagine doing it 31 minutes) and didn’t get any answers on HOW doing these crazy meditations and this wild breath work was supposed to work on my body, mind, energy.

I always need to know WHY I would do something to feel motivated to do it. The motivation can be as simple as having fun doing it or feeling great afterwards. Or it can be an understanding about how a pose affects my brain or glands in a beneficial manner. But often last week, I didn’t get any of this.

So I struggled.

But I know every struggle is an invitation to evolve. To return to love. To become more of myself and get closer to my own truth. So I let myself feel the feelings of wanting out. There wasn’t any self judgement or needing to change  it. I just let it be, experienced it and expressed it. Recognizing also my pattern of wanting to leave when things get boring, tough or complicated.

Then, half way through the week, I decided to skip part of the morning practice and breakfast and do my own thing. Feeling a bit hesitant about this at first, a bit guilty even and unsure if I would still be welcome with my group. But I felt I had to go my own way. Obeying my own inner voice comes before any one else’s voice.

Do you stay because you want to, or because you are scared to leave? Are you afraid you might not belong anymore if you do not follow what is asked of you, consciously or unconsciously? Do you follow your own heart or the words of a teacher, guru, coach, friend? Do you feel free to go your own way?

Surprise, surprise, I was still an intricate part of my beautiful group when I joined again after a few hours. Some people don’t even notice you’re not there for a little while. Others feel inspired.

To be able to leave, makes it so much easier to stay.

I don’t know if it was this shift in my perception or the fact that we went outside more and looked into topics with more depth, but things started to shift, to feel lighter. I started to enjoy myself. I learned some new things. I felt a deeper connection to the Kundalini practice. I didn’t have to hook into all the things I would do different if I would be leading the training. (It isn’t always easy to be a trainer by profession and passion and then be a participant in someone else’s training. Especially when some of my core values aren’t met.)

We had a few semi-silent days. It’s incredible how deepening silence can be to connection. How much creativity starts to flow when you don’t talk about everything. How much more peace of mind and stable mood arises when you don’t express all that goes on inside of you. You can just let feelings and thoughts come up and see them go again. So much space.

I felt so much connection, joy, sisterhood and support with this group. This feels empowering and humbling at the same time.

I wrote a blog about the dark side of freedom earlier. I felt this lesson again this Kundalini week. Staying and committing eventually gives me so much more than quitting and calling it freedom. The true commitment it the one to myself and my happiness.

So I don’t know if it was the gluten free, dairy free, sugar free, calorie free diet, all the yoga, the cold showers, the breaking through boundaries and feeling the strength of my body and mind, the group energy, the friendships made, the saddhana, the walks in nature, the healing meditations or being away from normal life without having to make much decisions besides one big one, but I feel so fresh and clear and vibrant.

I stayed. I’m staying.

Love, Susanne