I want to share a story with you.
This story is about searching for meaning. For purpose in life. About being uncomfortable with myself and trying to find ways out of myself.
It’s my story. At least some of my story.
It’s also a story about love and a deep yearning for a connection to something bigger than myself.
I remember being a little girl and feeling very conscious. At times it was as if I was looking into life from the outside. Like I saw people living their lives and I almost forgot that I was in that same movie. Growing up I never really felt like I wanted, or could, just let go, go crazy. Always very aware of all that’s going on in myself, with other people and all the relationships and dynamics around me. It never occurred to me that I could approach someone or influence a situation. I felt more like a spectator.
Later on I experienced a type of emptiness. Feeling incredibly uncomfortable with myself. It’s easy to go to the dark side when you don’t see the point of life. What’s the purpose of living? Why should I do al those things people do? Celebrating birthdays, going to school, laughing about meaningless jokes, the same thing day in and day out. I didn’t feel connected. I craved freedom from all of it.
But I didn’t know at that point that true freedom was even an option. All I understood was getting away from what I was feeling. But since I couldn’t get away from my feelings physically, I looked for other ways to get out. I tried to find fun in alcohol. To numb painful feelings with drugs. To feel alive by having drama in relationships. I partied hard and I completely let go. I went from being the good girl to the bad one. I had no fears. If nothing matters it’s easy to be fearless. Besides feeling what was really going on inside me. I feel fortunate that I’ve never had a real addiction because I feel like I am sensitive to addictive substances and behavior.
The partying didn’t work and when I couldn’t find a way out of myself, I began contemplating the ultimate way out. But all I really wanted was to feel free. To experience peace of mind. And ultimately to feel part of something bigger. I missed a connection to myself, to the universe. Although I didn’t know that at the time.
I now know that all of the feelings I experienced were because of a perceived separation from the universe. I didn’t know the way home and that all the things I did to release the difficult feelings, were attempts to go home.
It’s easy to try and get away. Staying and connecting deeply is where the courage comes in.
Home is a connection to yourself. And since we are all connected on a deep level, and we’re all part of the bigger intelligence called universe, a connection to one of these means a connection to all of these.
After a dark night of the soul, light appears. There was no other option then to change. No longer wishing and hoping for outside circumstances to change but to change my inside. Somehow the darkness showed me the way to freedom. As if an awakening happened.
I learned that I am responsible for my life, my happiness, my feelings. I learned that I can make a difference and that I’m already always having an impact on others. It’s up to me to choose what type of impact that will be. I learned how to connect with my own feelings, desires, likes and dislikes more. How to step out of that spectators state and how to fully step into life. To no longer be a follower but a leader in my own life. I opened up to possibilities and people. I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t that different.
At the age of 17 I got a tattoo to symbolize this new direction of my life. I choose to fully live life. I understood that everything we do is to change the state that we’re in. We eat to change the feelings of being hungry, or sad. We share our feelings to feel relieved, connected. We want to be with certain people because we feel loved or cared for being with them. I learned how to master my state and to be ok with uncomfortable feelings.
I know now they are just messengers. They invite me to come home.
Today I still get uncomfortable every now and then. I can still feel like life is happening and I forget to get on board. Choosing to live my life to the fullest is a conscious choice I make. I get FOMO: fear of missing out. I crave to live with purpose. To serve the highest. To be the happiest version of myself.
So I live consciously. I meditate. I turn inwards and explore what’s going on inside.
I now trust the timing of my life. Life is simply flowing through me and that’s enough. I follow my bliss and I practice my freedom by being true to my feelings and desires. I go inward and am still. When I stop meditating for a while, I get restless again and I thank those feelings for inviting me to get back to my self connection. I honor my connection to the universe by listening to the subtle whispers of intuition. I am generous to myself by taking care of me. I keep my vibe high and, instead of controlling any outcome, I let manifestation happen.
My final hurdle now is my escape in food. I notice how I turn to food when I get anxious or when I have to sit with something. I’m slowly turning this around. The breath is magic. Breath connects me back to me.
Radical self love is the essential part in all happiness and succes. It allows for me to be patient with myself. To let life flow. To make time for my desires and to take a chance in the direction of my dreams. It has also lifted me up beyond expectations.
I’ve learned so much over the past 16 years about myself, about how the mind works and how we can connect to something bigger to get beyond the mind. How the universe is always guiding and loving us.
I have found my purpose. It’s not about finding meaning in life but giving meaning to your life. My life is about experiencing what life has to offer, both happy and sad. Being the happiest version of myself I can be. Being the light and bringing love. I’ve learned many techniques and methods to master the mind. Love is the foundation for all of them. That’s why I’ve create The Love Immersion.
My work to help women become the happiest version of themselves is deeply fulfilling and makes me feel incredibly grateful and connected to myself, the people around me and the universe which embraces us all.
How comfortable are you with yourself?
Do you know all the ways you try to get out of yourself and do you know the way home?